The Prison of My Skin

January 4th, 2010

The dark surrounding followed me
This is something more
The spinning room is haunting me
No exit and no door
And everything is moving
And I can’t make it go away
And after all this time
I’ve lost track of all the days
And laying down I fell right through
There’s no stable place
So weak and just so dizzy
But this is something I have to face
This is nothing that I knew
I’m learning by the time
And I can’t hold on to what matters
Because nothing’s ever mine
And no one’s ever honest
And no one ever cares
And the more it seems I need someone
The more they’re never there
And I mess up and make mistakes
It’s who I’m trapped to be
But lately, I just feel so lost
I hate to know this is me
I hate to face my mirror
I hate how I feel inside
I hate being trapped in my body
Because there’s nowhere I can hide
I can’t escape this prison
My skin just fits too tight
And I’m searching for emotion
But nothing ever just feels right
I hate looking the same
I don’t reflect my soul
And every time I need someone
I let that person go
I never hurt the right way
I just can’t feel the pain
I can’t make myself happy
And I can’t keep myself sane
And here I am inside
I’ve been dying to be free
I just need to move on
Because the girl in the mirror’s not me
My skin is closing in
I can only feel the guilt
Because I did this to myself
Because I dropped the walls I built
So I’ll put them all back up
And I’ll set myself free
Because I can’t hold on to my sanity
In a prison built for me

Right Back At The Beginning

November 29th, 2009

I miss the security of knowing when to be let down
that’s the only thing I could ever count on you to do
and I thought I lost that
I thought I overcame that feeling
but moving on
means getting let down
over and over again
maybe it’s what I deserved
maybe the past caught up with me
maybe what’s meant to be will be
and this is it
nothing more
this is all I have to be looking for
disappointment seeks its way to me
there’s no way to leave
this is it
this is what I live for
I’m sick of being a waste of time
I’m sick of having nothing else to find
I’m sick of mixed emotions
I’m sick of thinking of devotion
I’m sick of winding up where I was at the start
I’m sick of these feelings tearing me apart
I’m so tired of not knowing what to do
and ending up crawling towards something new
but in the end, it never works out
and from the start, I’d always have my doubts
and the end always comes
so unplanned
and it always ends that way
this is it
nothing new
I was nothing special to you
years ago it was all the same
I’m sick of being played, game after game
but if that’s life, why am I still living
I’m sick of ending up at the start
right back to the beginning

Becoming

December 3rd, 2019

The year is coming to an end
But I want time to stop
I’m watching life pass me by
Like I’m stuck behind the backdrop
The decade began with tales of woe
A heart that was going to burst
So I gathered myself and looked in the mirror
I said “I’m going to put myself first”
Those words rang false as I hit the wall
A fist held tight on my neck
In a year’s time, I had forgotten my worth
A memory that I’ll always regret
But a wilted flower can still bloom
One can regain their stature
If you lock the door and walk away
There’s hope for another chapter
You can nurture seeds and watch them grow
Find love, find home, find marriage
You’re not confined to who you were
And a phase that was once disparaged
But smooth sailing can still storm
A moment can become cutthroat
So it’s sink or swim, but I know my place
And I’ve learned how to stay afloat
So as seconds countdown on the clock
I wish to not forget these days
As ten years time changes everything
And I’ve learned from my upraise