Disease

February 20th, 2010

Believe me, you always knew I was lying
Hurt me, you could always tell I was crying
Breathe me, I don’t deserve this air
Numb me, because I just don’t want to care
There’s not much else that I can say
Just waiting for the end of this day
They all tell me I will be okay
I just don’t want to hear this today
Push everything back and it won’t exist
Take back my disease and the scars on my wrist
You changed the way my mirror and I spoke
And everything I used to be, you broke
Every chance I ever had, you changed my mind
And I’m just sick of knowing that you made me blind
Now you’re gone, and I have nothing left to me at all
I never thought I could ever take that hard of a fall
Open my eyes and I now can see I was so confused
And everything I kept inside made me feel more abused
The pain spread around in places I just could no longer take
And how long I kept it inside before I finally let myself break
I took the pieces and I had to put them back together
But the pieces won’t always fit forever
The glue and the tape just won’t always do
And I know I just can’t count on you
I’ll find a way to keep me sane
I just can’t always numb the pain
So here I am and it might be okay
Am I finally ready to live today
The girl in my mirror still yells some cruel things
And there’s still hurtful words every time the phone rings
But it’ll help me cope and I’ll finally be strong
Because as blind as I was, I now know it was you who was wrong

First

November 29th, 2018

The first time I fell in love
I was in it alone
I was a broken child
Who knew nothing but a broken home
The first time I said “I love you”
I had said it to myself
I’d only ever written it
And never dared to say it to anyone else
The first time I knew heartbreak
Was the first time I knew love
I was engulfed by the emotions
Or the lack thereof
Then when I first realized
That love should be embraced
That was the last abusive relationship
I ever let myself face

Disclosure: This is an emotional video clip of me from Christmas 2008. I recently watched through my old video journals and found this. In this clip, I encountered the first time I confessed to being in love. These words stuck in my head for a couple days and ended up inspiring this poem.

Happy Birthday

July 17th, 2017

You told me that you loved me
With your hands around my neck
I cowered under your dominance
To prevent another threat
You told me you were sorry
But I couldn’t stop crying
Sometimes I go back to this moment
To remember why I gave up trying
You told me I would never find someone
Who would treat me as good as you
And I walked out your door
To do just what you challenged me to
It took much too long to realize
Your self inflicted wounds weren’t caused by me
And your obsession with controlling
Had finally found its ending