The Prison of My Skin

January 4th, 2010

The dark surrounding followed me
This is something more
The spinning room is haunting me
No exit and no door
And everything is moving
And I can’t make it go away
And after all this time
I’ve lost track of all the days
And laying down I fell right through
There’s no stable place
So weak and just so dizzy
But this is something I have to face
This is nothing that I knew
I’m learning by the time
And I can’t hold on to what matters
Because nothing’s ever mine
And no one’s ever honest
And no one ever cares
And the more it seems I need someone
The more they’re never there
And I mess up and make mistakes
It’s who I’m trapped to be
But lately, I just feel so lost
I hate to know this is me
I hate to face my mirror
I hate how I feel inside
I hate being trapped in my body
Because there’s nowhere I can hide
I can’t escape this prison
My skin just fits too tight
And I’m searching for emotion
But nothing ever just feels right
I hate looking the same
I don’t reflect my soul
And every time I need someone
I let that person go
I never hurt the right way
I just can’t feel the pain
I can’t make myself happy
And I can’t keep myself sane
And here I am inside
I’ve been dying to be free
I just need to move on
Because the girl in the mirror’s not me
My skin is closing in
I can only feel the guilt
Because I did this to myself
Because I dropped the walls I built
So I’ll put them all back up
And I’ll set myself free
Because I can’t hold on to my sanity
In a prison built for me

Crazy

November 8th, 2009

It’s crazy
how people you think you know
turn into
people you don’t.

Eyes wide
there’s so much you can’t see
though it is all real
but it doesn’t exist
because it was fake.

Loud noises
nothing that you want to hear
echo
ear to ear
make it stop
it’s not real
it’s fake
I don’t know these people.

I shake
and I can’t stop
but you can’t see it
because it’s not real
but it’s not fake
I feel it
I feel you
it’s crazy
I don’t know you.

I want to scream
but once I start
I fear
I’ll forget how to stop.

Quitting
don’t be a quitter
scream
and don’t stop.

I cry
and not the kind for pain
the kind
where you lose your mind.

I breathe
but not naturally
I force in the air
but it finds a way out
before reaching my lungs.

Inhale nothing
sink into myself
I can’t escape
you can’t escape
because you’re fighting
yourself.

I thought I knew
myself
you
the mirror
but I don’t.

I found a way
to comfort me
but inside
nothing’s what it is
you can’t see
what I can see.

I’m sinking
into myself
and it’s crazy;

But
I
don’t
know
you.

Cursed

February 8th, 2007

Someone tell me
How this works
Is this my heart
Or is it a curse
The feelings so deep
That nobody sees
Are currently tearing up
The insides of me
I want to believe
Everything you say
But my heart says
There’s no way
It tells me all these things
They aren’t real
It tells me to
Forget to feel
So I try
I really do
But all these feelings
Lead me to you
And I hold on
I keep my hope
But all my heart says
Is nope
Don’t believe
The words they say
Just wait
Wait for the day
They will twist words
They will lie
And one day because of them
You will cry
I hold my tears back
I keep my fake smile
I keep my hope strong
I overthink my denial
But still my heart
It drives me insane
It shouldn’t be like this
I shouldn’t feel this pain
I close my eyes
Because what’s in my heart
Is slowly tearing me
Apart