Right Back At The Beginning

November 29th, 2009

I miss the security of knowing when to be let down
that’s the only thing I could ever count on you to do
and I thought I lost that
I thought I overcame that feeling
but moving on
means getting let down
over and over again
maybe it’s what I deserved
maybe the past caught up with me
maybe what’s meant to be will be
and this is it
nothing more
this is all I have to be looking for
disappointment seeks its way to me
there’s no way to leave
this is it
this is what I live for
I’m sick of being a waste of time
I’m sick of having nothing else to find
I’m sick of mixed emotions
I’m sick of thinking of devotion
I’m sick of winding up where I was at the start
I’m sick of these feelings tearing me apart
I’m so tired of not knowing what to do
and ending up crawling towards something new
but in the end, it never works out
and from the start, I’d always have my doubts
and the end always comes
so unplanned
and it always ends that way
this is it
nothing new
I was nothing special to you
years ago it was all the same
I’m sick of being played, game after game
but if that’s life, why am I still living
I’m sick of ending up at the start
right back to the beginning

Stationary

January 3rd, 2020

In the morning I wake up
But I’m still myself
There is no fresh start
I can’t be anybody else
There is no new beginning
There is no new me
I am followed by myself
Because I’m all that I can be

Note: Poem inspired by my new notebook.

Stepping Stones

September 4th, 2019

Innocence of words
Exchanges between two
Always the first step
And that’s how I met you
Initiating

Questioning intentions
Teetering the line
Is this a friendship
Or do you want to be mine
Experimenting

A flame begins to burn
I know this is real
Space disappears
And it’s you that I feel
Intensifying

A relationship builds
Without being planned
Two become one
Hand in hand
Integrating

We could spend days together
But I’d still want more time
Two against the world
Planning for a lifetime
Bonding

We still have our own identities
We bring different things to the table
And that is okay
When the foundation is stable
Differentiating

But in uncharted territory
Things quickly change
And someone you love
Can become someone estranged
Circumscribing

We’re questioning each other
I’m feeling uncertain
When I’ve found there’s a stranger
Living under the curtain
Stagnating

And not talking becomes easier
We can just look away
A love becomes scorned
From our new disarray
Avoidance

Silence becomes deadly
When we can’t even pretend
So as the flame flickers out
We come to an end
Terminating

Note: Inspired by Knapp’s Model of Relational Development