Too Much

January 30th, 2010

Trapped in this room
I can’t pretend I’m safe
The voices are strong
I didn’t want it to be this way
I can’t find an exit
Only an end
They’re not the same thing
I need a new choice
I need a new voice
Someone come save me
I can’t find my grip
I’m feeling so weak
Nothing is right
Nothing is real
Why does this feel
Like I’ve been here before
Still, no exit
Still, no door
Still, no meaning
This is meaning
Still, no will
Still, no want
Still, no apology
Still, nothing
I follow the voice
It lurks around me
And the darkness does too
I guess they finally won
I have no choice
I must give in
It’s the only way
You know it’s the only way
First my hands
They fade so slow
I’m just so cold
You left me cold
My black eyes
They see right through you
You’re too cold to be numb
You deserve to freeze
You deserve to hurt
You deserve to feel
But this isn’t about you
And I’m leaving on my own
And I won’t think of you anymore
You’re already gone
My only thought is
The dark on my mind
The numbing won’t fade
This place is so endless
I just can’t escape
It’s just like the mirror
I remember when I used to look at her
The dark eyes
Never-ending
Repeat the pain
Feel my pain
Join me in the dark
Follow my voice
I’d tell you it’s going to be okay
But I don’t like to lie
My stomach crushes inside
My lungs can’t find the air
The darkness only laughs
It grows with my pain
This all goes back to me
I’ve always been a fool
I’ve just been too nice
Why am I so nice
I wish I had a voice
You were always the one
You’d say what I left unspoken
You completed my voice
But then left me broken
But at least I can’t feel
Because these memories hurt
So I’ll leave them in the past
It’s where they belong
And I know I don’t here
This isn’t my place
The dark all around
Is too cold to trace
It gives you that chill
Where you lose all your strength
And you’ve been going in circles
And nothing’s okay
And your legs want to collapse
Your whole body knows what’s wrong
But it won’t go away
And you just want to be strong
But I’m still in this place
And I’m still feeling weak
And it’s still all so dark
And there’s still no way out
And the mirror found me again
Covered in blood
Eyes so black
I feel so cold
And the color all fades
And the mirror lost its face
And the numbness I feel
Has settled in place
And it won’t go away
And nothing feels right
And everything’s changing
And I’m losing my mind
I just want something stable
I need something to stay
A comforting feeling
That can’t be taken away
But I think that’s too much
They think that’s too much
Am I asking too much
Is this asking too much?
They all put me down
Is this where I belong
But I keep getting up
Because I want to be strong
And sometimes I wonder
How is it so
That everyone keeps hurting me
But I don’t want to let go
Am I the only one
Who feels all the pain
I’ve been too nice
Why am I so nice
I just want to give up
I know the truth
None of it’s worth it
Why do I trick myself
And it kind of scares me
How much people lie
I’m so easily fooled
Why they look in my eyes
And there’s not many who are honest
But I feel I’ve been all along
I never thought I was the only one
But I guess I was wrong
So if this is asking too much
And I can’t even feel
And my mirror is avoiding me
And nothing feels real
I’ll keep searching for my exit
Because it’s all just too fake
But as much as I want to
I just can’t escape

I Know

January 25th, 2010

One little lie
I shouldn’t dignify
So I placed a rose in to your hand
You placed your toes in the wet sand
I saw that look inside your eyes
But I let you say goodbye
I know I didn’t try
I know I didn’t try
We crashed on your bed
My chin above your head
In my arms was where you laid
But we soon began to fade
And not the beach, but where we lie
One last kiss before goodbye
Our hands intertwined
Guilty thoughts inside my mind
I let the train pull me away
But it brought you back to me one day
We walked around in the summer air
I just really wanted to care
I know I wasn’t fair
I know I wasn’t fair
Another laying in my bed
Confused thoughts inside your head
I never told you, you were right
My feelings I just couldn’t fight
I wish I could take it back
But then the experience I’d lack
I know that it was wrong
I’d known it all along
I wish I never lied
I’m sorry I didn’t try

A First Love Story

December 16th, 2009

Lately, it seems I only miss the memories
You brought the best and the worst
And where ever it is I end up in life
I’ll always remember I loved you first
It was a tragic prolonged story
But our narrative found an end
And the memories break me down
They hurt more than I can comprehend
You never loved me back
That’s something I’ll always remember
And this story started three years ago
Counting back from November
We met through my friend
And I could have cared less
Then I received your message
And that’s the start of this whole mess
We were nothing but friends
But I had a crush that grew
Because everything was wrong
And then I opened up to you
I felt you put me back together
And you didn’t even know
And I wasn’t sure what to do
Because my feelings wouldn’t go
You held my hand as just friends
And sometimes you’d kiss my cheek
And I couldn’t handle my feelings
Because secrets weren’t made for the weak
Months had already passed
And I couldn’t sleep at all
I was lost in thoughts of you
And hoping you would call
The more we started to talk
The more I started to care
But I didn’t know your feelings
Or if they were even there
It was almost like a routine
Something I couldn’t wait for
You’d leave my house at night
With a goodnight kiss at the front door
That hope strung me along for so long
And there were times I could hardly bear
And I did some things that I regret
Because I wanted you to care
The cold came in with the winter
And December meant over a year
And you showed me something on the computer
The words I had wanted to hear
You posted if I’d be your girlfriend
I was anxious about what to say
So I forced out yes and kissed you
All back on Shadowcrest Way
I’d never been so happy
But all good things come to an end
Six weeks later you ended it
And we were back to only friends
And I didn’t know what happened
The time had gone too fast
I was forced to move on
And leave it all in the past
I didn’t know why I cared
You cheated on me anyway
But the more I tried to move on
The more it seemed you wanted me to stay
Because a few weeks later
We hung out again
And we were at my house
But we were with our friend
And she left the room for a minute
And then you leaned over to kiss me
And I was so confused
And that’s how it’d always be
And I remember things
Like the first time you said “I love you” again
And I was sad to say it back
Knowing the love was just as friends
Then one day was perfect
We stayed up all night
I had missed times like that
Things finally seemed right
Then it reached summer
I was hoping things would get better
Because winter was now gone
Maybe we could get back together
But I was so wrong
I’d never been in that much pain
You brought a new girl around
And I was left out in the rain
I was fighting my depression
You completely broke my heart
You said you were out of my life
And I could feel myself falling apart
I didn’t remember how to stand
I couldn’t stop myself from crying
And you saw it all but didn’t care
When I only felt like dying
Nothing could numb the pain
I felt it in the worst of ways
And I’d see you and her together
What felt like every day
At summer’s end we spoke again
We tried to talk things through
I felt we were different people
But I still wasn’t over you
Then hanging out again
Somehow you found my hand
And you leaned over and kissed me
But none of that was planned
Then one day I had my friend over
And you were over too
Then I saw you two kissing
And my heart split into two
I couldn’t be serious around you
I couldn’t trust you at all
Only with the fact I knew you’d hurt me
And never catch me when I fall
And still, you played this game
Months went on before me knowing where I stand
Every time was so confusing
You’d try to kiss me or hold my hand
The weather changed a few times
And then summer came back around
You were dating someone new
And a new relationship was what I found
You called me to hangout
And I should’ve known you knew
This was going to be difficult
I still wasn’t over you
I was texting them
Then they texted me back when we were in the car
And you tried to take my phone
And the ride home had never seemed so far
I finally told you
And you made it so irritating
You seemed mad and I was confused
It was you who first started dating
You asked me about my relationship
And these things were so hard to say
And I tried my best to answer
You seemed to want things your way
And conclusively I told you
What I’d been dying to get out
I was in love with you
Even if you had your doubts
And when I told you this
Finally, is what you said
And I was confused and shocked
So many thoughts running through my head
You said you weren’t over me
And I was caught off guard
Putting my feelings out there
Had never seemed so hard
We started hanging out more
This was the closest I’d ever felt we were
But now looking back
I see it as a blur
Because once my relationship ended
I found you were gone too
Once again, we stopped talking
Because you found another someone new
I didn’t think I could handle you anymore
You threw my feelings around
You knew how to make me happy
Or crush me into the ground
And our lives drifted apart
And we don’t talk at all
But you put the blame on me
Saying I never text or call
But San Francisco isn’t that far away
And my heart is not a game
And if you wanted to talk to me
Then you can take the blame
Because whenever I tried
Once I’d reply
It was over
No goodbye
And those no responses haunted me
They’d ruin my whole day
And I couldn’t take it anymore
So now it’s my turn to push you away
So I guess this is goodbye
This is finally the end
Because I can’t keep loving someone
Who will f*** me over again